Put the kettle on

stevemaclarenThey can come from wherever they bloody well like to beat England by passing the ball on the ground, but the simple fact is this: as long as the Earth’s land area is only 57,506,055 m² and the sky reaches to infinity, we’re doing it right. The big man upfront was good enough in 1966, it was good enough in 1066, and it’ll still be good enough in, erm, 2866.

But don’t listen to me. I haven’t followed England since I gave up playing with Lego, enjoying Star Wars, and wanking over the bra section in Kays catalogue. But I know a positive when I see one, and the real upside of the nation’s European hopes going down the drain last week is that they were quickly followed by Steve McLaren’s chances of having a number one hit this Christmas.

According to Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty’s book, The Manual (How to Have a Number One the Easy Way), to take the first step on the road to chart success, “you must be skint and on the dole”. In his unerring pursuit of the latter, McLaren foolishly overlooked the former.

Believe it or not, Euro 2008 will go ahead without England. Until then, the answer to the question that’s been on everyone’s lips since McLaren bit the dust becomes clearer by the day. It’s obvious who should record UEFA’s theme song for next summer’s tournament: Edelweiss.

trixandflixNot only does their excremental 1989 hit ‘Bring Me Edelweiss’ fulfill each of UEFA’s bullshit brand criteria for the tournament by consolidating references to Austria and Switzerland’s indigenous mountain flora and all sorts of other lazy Alpine half-arsery into one big pulsating mess, but it owes its existence to the ex-KLF frontmen’s aforementioned blueprint for pop stardom.

Come to think of it, what could possibly be better than an opening ceremony in which Drummond and Cauty, having sacrificed effigies of mascots Trix and Flix high in the Swiss Alps, travel to Vienna to machine-gun the real things with blanks just to see the looks on their foam faces? There’s only 191 days until the big kick off, UEFA. Make it happen.

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