AUSTRIA versus Germany is an encounter big on history, and last night’s was big in every sense but the match itself. In fact, the weekend’s local tabloids provided much of the entertainment surrounding this pairing of Euro 2008’s big hearts and big heads.

Cowering in the dank shadow of Germany’s lofty FIFA ranking, which Austrian assistant coach Andreas Herzog insisted ‘they can shove up their arse’, so-called striker Martin Harnik foresaw the favourites ‘coming to the point where they shit their pants’. Harnik, for one, knows what he’s talking about, having striped his strides twice upon sight of the Polish goal last week.

All this scheisse talk may have brought both nations to tumescence, but it failed to arouse a more explicit performance from an Austrian frontline so softcore, no matter how much you craned your neck you just couldn’t ever see anything going in.

It’s three decades since they last eliminated West Germany in similarly unlikely circumstances with three Córdoban goals, and on this evidence it would take them another thirty years to break through just once. In preparation for a quarter final tie with Portugal, Germany ought to consider that they were only marginally superior. Save for Ballack’s decisive school playground toe-banger, they contributed wholeheartedly to ninety clumsy minutes of stray passing and shanked efforts on goal.

Elegance was much de rigeur on the touchline, however, in the form of a hissy fit between German coach Joachim Löw and his Austrian counterpart Josef Hickersberger. Which is the snappier outfit, Löw enquired, my white blouse and shiny trouser combo or the Grandad-of-the-bride thing you’ve got going on? The Spanish referee was uninterested, and sent them both to take turns sitting on Chancellor Andrea Merkel’s soothing lap.

No great exaltations in the end, more relief on Germany’s part and a case of ‘It’s auf wiedersehen from me…’ ‘…and it’s auf wiedersehen from him’ for a spirited, yet average Austrian side whose interest in the tournament outlasted co-hosts Switzerland’s, even if it was by virtue of the Gregorian calendar.

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TWO injury time strikes, one for Turkey on Wednesday, another from the penalty spot last night, mean Austria’s interest in Euro 2008 has already outlasted that of the Swiss. But for a half-decent centre-forward, Austria would already be sitting in the quarter finals, absent-mindedly discussing their own mothers as objects of libidinal investment over gulps of Grüner Veltliner and lemonade.

After Martin Harnik, twice, and Christoph Leitgeb found goalkeeper Artur Boruc’s knackers a formidable obstacle to goal, the competition’s love of quick breakaways favoured instead Roger Guerreiro, who was not only offside, but has only been Polish for a fortnight.

Howard Webb’s innate English sense of fair play then ensured 38-year old Ivica Vastic had the opportunity to equalise and claim the lifetime’s supply of beer on offer from a local brewery to any Austrian goalscorer. Not far from retirement, Vastic’s strike and subsequent prize means he can spend the rest of his days boring his grandkids about his deteriorating liver and the fact that it was he who brought about next week’s six-pointer with a reeling Germany in Vienna.

In the space of two solid displays, Austria have not only eliminated pre-tournament fears and won the backing of the nation, but now have the chance to progress at the expense of the neighbouring favourites. It just couldn’t get any better than this, could it?

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AS ANTICIPATED, both Euro 2008 hosts got underway with defeats, although only one looked out of its depth – and it wasn’t Austria. Written off in most quarters as the tournament’s ‘punchbag’, the onus was on them to come out fighting on Sunday, and what a scrap it was.

Stunned into life by a fourth-minute sucker blow from the penalty spot, Austria went the distance against Croatia, all for nothing but the knowledge that they must follow knocking out Poland on Thursday with something miraculous against the Germans next week.

Salzburg takes centre stage today, as the competition rolls into the city for the first of its three matches featuring defending champions Greece. Don’t be fooled by the broadness of UEFA’s brushstrokes, FC Salzburg’s Stadion Wals-Siezenheim is none other than Red Bull’s glimmering monument to the paradoxes of corporate football, the Bullen-Arena. €60m down the line and still only the second best side in Austria, they supply as many players to the national squad as they do to rival nations, including Croatian captain Niko Kovač.

Meanwhile, in nearby Maxglan last weekend, Austria Salzburg’s kultverein bade farewell to sixth division football with victory over Elixhausen before a Meisterfeier drew another near-perfect season to a close. With the final word on the club’s 75th term which ended, fittingly, three points shy of the available 78, here’s the unique perspective of lifelong Leeds United fan and Austria Salzburg’s English-language website fangler-in-chief.

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IF EURO 2008’s Group D is the designated “Group of Death”, one wonders what Group B has in store. In addition to Austria, Germany, Poland and Croatia, there’s an almighty elephant in that room, it answers to the name “the war” and as Basil Fawlty discovered to his cost, there’s rather a lot to keep stumm about.

Austria’s scheduled meeting with Germany in Vienna comes little over 70 years after Hitler’s troops marched on the city to welcome his homeland into the Reich. From a mere sporting perspective, the 1938 Anchluss represented a crossroads for two nations experiencing shifting fortunes on the pitch.

The onset of the decade belonged to Austria’s fabled Wunderteam, but they were pipped to 3rd place at the 1934 World Cup by Germany. That day, both sides stubbornly wore near-identical home colours, Austria having to change after the referee’s patience expired with half an hour on the clock.

Relations between the unified factions would be just as fraught. The 6:5 nationality ratio the Führer enforced upon manager Sepp Herberger’s selections was the source of much irritation; both Germans and Austrians aghast at having to share not only colours and a pitch, but ideas and objectives, too.

For a start, their playing styles clashed, Austria’s short passing entirely at odds with the German running game. Then there was the issue of personality, with each camp insisting the other didn’t have any. Just about the only thing they had in common was a love of boiled cabbage, but even today they can’t agree on what to call a tomato.

The war over, Austria and its football re-emerged with 3rd place at the 1954 World Cup in Switzerland. As Herberger was inspiring Germany to win the tournament in “the Miracle of Bern” by insisting to anyone who would listen that “der ball ist rund”, their semi-final victims Austria were mindful of much more than solid geometry: independence, neutrality, and complete footballing anonymity.

That is, apart from a miracle of their own: Córdoba. In the Argentinian city, Austria defeated West Germany and knocked the defending champions out of the 1978 World Cup. “Goal, goal, goal, goal, goal, goal, I’m going crazy,” cried commentator Edi Finger following Hans Krankl’s decisive brace. “And now it’s ovveeerrr! The end! Finished! Over with! Germany are beaten, ladies and gentlemen. After 47 years, Austria have finally beaten Germany again.”

By contrast, the less said about the two nations’ shameful 1982 World Cup non-event in Gijon the better, save that final group fixtures kick off simultaneously these days, just in case the pair decide to get all mob-handed again.

In his second spell in the Austrian hot seat, Josef Hickersberger knows what it feels like to put one over on the neighbours. The Córdoba veteran’s initial stint, however, saw him select one of only two international line-ups ever to lose to the Faroe Islands.

Much of the squad draws upon Bundesliga clubs and is therefore devoid of household names, though there are a few familiar characters. Middlesbrough’s Emanuel Pogatetz, the sort of man who looks like he’d be more comfortable playing in head-to-toe stonewashed denim, will attempt offer some form of protection to ex-Arsenal goalkeeper Alex Manninger. Believe it or not, Martin Hiden is still going but Wigan Athletic’s Paul Scharner isn’t.

Beneath the rot-weiss-rot facepaint, Austrian hopes for their first ever Euro finals this summer belie a side which recently looked nervous even with a three goal lead over the Dutch, and conceded the same figure in defeat to who else, but the Germans.

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