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“I can’t do nuttin’ for ya man; You want six dollars for what?
I can’t do nuttin’ for ya man; You better man kiss my butt,
I can’t do nuttin’ for ya man; I’m busy tryin’ to do for me,
I can’t do nuttin’ for ya man; That’s the way the ball bounces, G.”
~ “Can’t Do Nuttin’ For Ya Man” by Public Enemy

BATES for your face, Beeston! Celebrate Mr Chairman’s 7th anniversary at the helm of Leeds United, and his recent 80th birthday (which makes him just 12 years younger than the club itself), in fine style with The Square Ball this Saturday.

For what seems like an eternity, Ken’s been able to have his cake and eat it – but now it’s YOUR turn with this stunning FREE cut out & wear Ken Bates Cakehole Face Mask.

Buy issue 6 from sellers situated around Elland Road at the game against Ipswich Town on Saturday, or online at thesquareball.net.

“This was the plan: we would take a holy and sacred picture of the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll, Elvis Presley, to the very summit of the earth; once there, we would place it with sincere reverence amongst the chimerical shimmering palaces of ice and snow and then (accompanied by some weird Zen magic) we would light joss sticks, dance about making screechy kung-fu noises, get off our faces, and that would be it: Planet Earth saved. Simple.”
~ Mark Manning, Bad Wisdom

WE HAD the same plan, at 9pm on Saturday 17th December 2011. But instead of a holy and sacred picture of the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll, we possessed a life-size copper bust of The Great Dictator, Kenneth W. Bates, which we’d just liberated from an Egyptian Temple in Holbeck. And we were on our way to Peter Lorimer’s pub.

Once there, we would place it with sincere reverence amongst the shimmering palaces of football, booze and fags and then we would take him outside, dance about playing “toss the chapati onto Ken Bates’ head”, get off our faces and that would be it: Leeds United saved. Simple.

We weren’t to know all this at the time, though, as we marched towards our destination in the hope that the landlord would be there so we could introduce him to our reconstituted copper effigy of his master. But Lorimer wasn’t there. Nobody was, except we sickpots with The Great Dictator, Kenneth W. Bates, and the Vikings sitting at the bar, demanding in guttural Norse tongues that their flagons be filled to be brim.

Suddenly, our ears pricked up. Vikings? In Holbeck? Could Valhalla, the great hall in which Norse gods received the souls of fallen heroes, stand right here in these frozen south Leeds wastelands? What better place to end our epic quest to sacrifice an artifact of such rare quality and undeniable potency?

Our disappointment would soon be complete, however. No amount of weird Zen magic; certainly no joss sticks; and no kung-fu noises, however screechy, could ever tempt Odin to receive our sacred and holy offering, for its subject – The Great Dictator, Kenneth W. Bates – not only possesses no soul, but also lacks the virtue of having a single heroic bone in his entire body. But shortly afterwards, safely back at the Temple, we did get off our faces.

Photos courtesy of Rob Glover. Thanks to Rob and to Mike Boorman for their good-humoured generosity, to Aidan Brown for creating a brilliant bust of Ken Bates which Ken Bates hates, and to everyone who came along to see it at The Square Ball do.

The art world hasn’t seen such derring-do since Duchamp signed a piss pot. Be there! Book your £2 ticket right now at thesquareball.net

All proceeds go to the Leeds Children’s Hospital Appeal.

HOW do you do a man’s life justice in just one image? It’s impossible, but here’s how I remember Gary Speed: on the move, in space, with time on the ball.

This pullout is just one of many fan tributes inside issue 5 of The Square Ball magazine, out on Saturday at Elland Road for the home game against Millwall. See you there.

IN my mind, Neil Aspin’s run at the Shrewsbury Town defence on November 1st 1986 concluded with a shot which arced, arrow-like, into the bottom corner of the net with all the precision of a perfectly-drawn frame from a football comic book – not skid across the turf and through the goalkeeper, having traversed a boxful of disinterested defenders.

Contrary to John Boyd’s commentary, “Desert Head” was better known for his receding blond hairline than famous runs, but his was the first Leeds United goal I ever saw at Elland Road or anywhere else. I rediscovered it last weekend in this clip tacked onto the end of the 1986/87 season review video, United are Back!

United weren’t quite back yet of course, and by the time they were, in 1990, the present manager of Halifax Town had kickstarted a 10-year spell in the Potteries as Port Vale’s Player of the Year.

Get your copy of the award-winning magazine right now at thesquareball.net

IN THE fallout from Paul Rachubka’s first half meltdown on Wednesday night, Leeds United turn to Reading’s Alex McCarthy as temporary cover for the injured Andy Lonergan.

The 21-year-old goalkeeper is Simon Grayson’s 30th loan signing in under 3 years as manager, and Leeds United’s 64th since 2004.

WHEN Ken Bates took over his homeland in 1968, Noel Lloyd led the fight to take it back. Read the startling full story in The Square Ball issue four, on sale at the Cardiff City game on Sunday from sellers around Elland Road, or online at thesquareball.net.

“What I’m telling you now is dynamite. What I’m telling you now is gold dust. What I’m telling you now is the best thing that’s ever gone in your magazine. Listen to this, this is massive.” ~ Paul Trevillion

LIKE most Leeds fans in their thirties, I was brought up on tales of that great side of the 60s and 70s. A can of Long Life or three was usually all it took for my dad to share his enthralling accounts of the time Leeds routed Southampton, or beat Barcelona, or defeated the double-winning Arsenal at Wembley.

That year was notable not only for Leeds winning their first and only FA Cup, and the rotten way they had to play in vain for a double of their own at Wolves just two days later, but also because it was when Leeds became “Super Leeds”.

Those players forged the legend of Super Leeds, but the name was pure Paul Trevillion. Hired by Don Revie to raise the club’s profile, Trevillion introduced such instant cool as Leeds’ numbered sock tags, inspired the timeless ethos of Marching on Together, and suggested they take to the field before their opponents to greet the crowd and air their skills.

It was the epitome of what The Glory Years – the BBC video which also did much to crystallise in my young mind how that team went about doing what it did – dubbed Leeds United’s “footballing ABC: arrogance, belligerence, confidence.” But it was also brilliant art.

When I first went to Elland Road at the age of 10, Leeds weren’t so Super and the sock tags were gone, but the players still did the wave and choruses of Marching on Together echoed around terraces. At the same time, I discovered in Match magazine a sequence of incredible drawings – of footballers past and present, perfectly poised, seemingly exploding into action – bearing the distinctive signature: TREVILLION.

His is the pen which brought Roy of the Rovers to life and is still drawing You Are The Ref over 50 years after it began. But it turns out that The Beaver, as he’s known, has more in his locker than sock tags and ink bottles. He’s performed on stage with Norman Wisdom, been crowned world speed-kissing champion (twice), toured America with his patented putter, and England as football’s Panda of Peace.

So how did the extroverted Trevillion strike up a collaboration with the guarded, superstitious Revie? Did he really doorstep Les Reed until he agreed to write Marching On Together? How did he win over the hardest players in football, and what on earth has all this got to do with Salvador Dalí?

Find out in an exclusive interview with Paul Trevillion, plus a special tribute centre spread, in The Square Ball issue 3, on sale from vendors around Elland Road at Saturday’s game against Portsmouth and online right now.